I’m probably going to alienate some readers with this post, but fuck you: these songs suck.
5. (The least sucky of this list) Snoop Dogg – Sensual Seduction
Just when I thought I wasn’t going to hear enough autotune this year, Snoop Dogg released what is sure to be this classic gem.Â His masterful rhymes, moaned gently in to the vocoder about random, and long/slow encounters with “wide assed/narrow wasited” (probably underage) girls at night clubs will surely be recorded by history alongside greats Marvin Gaye and Barry White: “I was all in da clup sippin some jin,smokin on a benadrome when I Peeped this little hoe out…I got it tippin crippin exchange and fuck faces, but it Aint no use to rush da bus”
4. Kanye West – Love Lockdown
Thank you, thank you, thank you.Â Not only is this song boring, flat, unimaginative, whiney, too long, and of poor sounding quality, every fucking 17 year old girl at our all ages parties wants to hear it because ITS THE NEW KANYE.Â Congratulations Kanye – if you aren’t just trying to pay for a ravenous coke addiction by playing the angst card to sell albums to 14-16 year old girls who’ll eat the story up (the angst, not the coke) then I can only assume you actually ARE disillusioned and full of regret, and instead have decided to claim retribution by inflicting this horrible album upon us all.
3. Lil Wayne feat Static/Major – Lollipop
No song managed to annoy me in 2008 quite like this one.Â Congratulations.Â Dear god, this song had autotune too didn’t it.Â What kills me is that girls love this song: “shawty wanna thug, bottles in the club, shawty wanna hump, i want to touch your breasts” and (chorus) “she gives head like a pornstar”.Â Bottom line – beat is horrible and childish, the chorus is about lil wayne getting a sloppy blowjob, and the rap (what four phrases there are) are about the liquoring up Lil Wayne had to do to obtain said sloppy blowjob.
2. Soulja Boy Tell Em – Bird Walk
Wow is this song annoying.Â I couldn’t finish it.Â Thank you so much for putting this song out so you could do your infamous promo interview.Â If you haven’t heard, when Soulja Boy was prompted to supply his most hated historical figure and was stumped, even with suggestions like ‘Hitler’ from the interviewer, when asked ‘what about the slave masters?’ he responded “Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we’d still be in Africa. We wouldn’t be here to get this ice and tattoos.” Good to know the no child left behind program is working!
1. Lil’ Wayne – A Milli
For the lyric “Ima venereal disease like a menstrual bleed..Threw the pencil and leak the sheet of the tablet in my mind, Cuz I dont write shit cuz I aint got time”. Mutherfucker, you’re ill.